I Don't Love You
by CharmedPeacekeeper
Summary: John's feeling slightly hysterical after the events in the hangar during DWTB...


My muse has a wonderful habit of biting me when I don't really need him to. Fortunately, I was able to get this one out relatively quickly after he nommed on my brainmeat with this particular idea. It's okay… I love him no matter when he bites.

This takes place immediately after Aeryn leaves the hanger in DWTB. Think of it as an Interlude.

Disclaimer: I don't own Farscape, I don't own MCR… I don't own a frelling thing. So frell off. Freller.

Enjoy! :D

John's feeling a little hysterical…

I Don't Love You

_Well, when you go  
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay  
And maybe when you get back  
I'll be off to find another way  
_

John couldn't believe he'd just done it. He couldn't believe he'd let Aeryn leave. Let her fly away from him in a shitty little Prowler that wouldn't protect her from a damn thing.

Yelling wordlessly in frustration, he slammed his fist into the bulkhead. He didn't care if he hurt Moya. He didn't care if his shipmates heard him. He only cared about one thing, about one person… and she had just flown out of the hanger doors. He rammed his fist against the bulkhead again.

No, he wouldn't have made her stay… not when she so clearly wanted – needed to be gone. Forcing her to stay would have killed her. She didn't even expect him to stay… not that he could have found a way to live without her, anyway. Exist, yes. Live? No.

_And after all this time that you still owe  
You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know  
So take your gloves and get out  
Better get out while you can  
_

She owed him! She owed him explanations, she owed him time… she owed him a life. He loved her more than anything, he owed her like she owed him, but she was gone.

She was gone. It hurt. He tried to alleviate the pain by cursing her in his head, but cursing her in his head made it even worse. He tried, but his heart didn't believe a word of it; knew it was the blackest blasphemy. So he cursed her love. He cursed the changes she had made in him. He cursed every star chart that she had been the center of.

He hated himself for the venom he had spit at her. He hated himself for the fear that had overcome him at the thought that he would never see his beloved again. He hated himself for letting her get so close. For letting her love him.

_When you go would you even turn to say  
"I don't love you like I did yesterday"?  
_

Would it have been better if she'd have said that she didn't love him? Maybe, if he didn't know in his soul that she was the only one for him. Maybe, if he didn't understand the bond that had forged between them the very first day they had met. Maybe, if he hadn't felt her heart respond to the calls of his own.

Maybe, if he wouldn't have known that it was a damn lie.

_Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading  
So sick and tired of all the needless beating  
But baby when they knock you down and out  
It's where you oughta stay  
_

His hatred at himself gave way to his love for her and he felt the first tears fall from his eyes. He had tried so hard not to cry in front of her. He had fought for her to stay. He had fought to leave with her. Either way, she wouldn't allow it… but he needed her.

This was a scourging he didn't need… this was punishment for… what? He'd made so many mistakes, and Karma was a bitch, he knew that… But he didn't think he had ever, ever done anything to deserve this pain that he felt right now, at the thought that he may never see his Aeryn again.

He couldn't bear it if anything happened to her. All he wanted was to protect her… to love her and be there for her, take care of her. She'd never have it, he knew. She was too independent, too strong a spirit, but he at least wanted to be there for her. To be the one she turned to when she was tired of taking care of herself. To be the one she leaned on when she was tired of holding herself up. To be the one giving her cover fire while she reloaded her weapons or made a break for safety.

But she was gone now… and he couldn't help but think that he'd never have the chance to do those things.

_Well after all the blood that you still owe  
Another dollar's just another blow  
So fix your eyes and get up  
Better get up while you can, whoa whoa  
_

They had bled for each other! Did that mean nothing to her? And even if it didn't, they shared something so deep, so powerful, that even a blind man could see it.

He knew that he should get a grip on himself, pick himself up and let her do what she was going to do… but he couldn't. He loved her too much. He knew, in his bones, that he was going to wallow as long as she was away from him.

_When you go would you even turn to say  
"I don't love you like I did yesterday"?  
Well come on, come on!  
_

She was too much a part of him for her to ever say that she didn't love him. And he loved her too much, knew her love for him too well to believe her if she'd tried to lie like that. His heart cried her name, cried for her. And when he felt her heart answer, he couldn't stop the tears flowing down his cheeks.

_When you go would you have the guts to say  
"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday"?_

The old song was right about one thing.

He didn't love her like he did yesterday.

He loved her more.

(END)

So… there it is! Please R&R, it's much appreciated!


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